Fire and Ice.


It was cold in Queensland this week. Some antarctic shit blew up from down south and made everything nippy – I’m pretty sure that was the technical explanation from the weather people.

When you live in Queensland you’re not allowed to complain that you’re cold because some southern bastard will remind you how much colder they are. I keep trying to tell them that Queensland actually does get cold, and they always say something like, “Oh yeah, maybe in Stanthorpe” because for some reason all southerners seem to think that Stanthorpe is the only place in Queensland that ever drops below 24 degrees.

Out west it gets cold, you snowmen. I’ve suffered through minus 10 degrees a measly 200ks from Brisbane. We get frost, we needed to scrape the ice off our windscreens, the diesel froze at the petrol station, it was a problem.

But the real issues is – Queenslanders aren’t equipped to deal with the cold. Our houses are built for summer. Full tiled floors, air con, ceiling fans in all the bedrooms, no heating to speak of so we are left with tiny little air heaters. Do you know how much space a tiny air heater warms? About 50cm in front of it. And the cat is sitting there. It does jackshit. We don’t own proper winter attire. Women throw a cardi over their maxi dress, men might pair their shorts with a hoodie because none of them can bear to put on pants. Queensland men would wear shorts in the snow. No pants is a rule they have. Jacket? Coat? No one even owns a jacket or coat. I’m not even sure you buy one. Maybe Myer, I don’t know.

Oh yes, when the mercury falls, we are helpless.

But we own the summer. Queenslanders could stroll through Hell itself and barely notice. We were raised running on bitumen that melted beneath our feet and peeling our bodies off vinyl ‘leather look’ chairs. Zooper Doopers are a bona fide food group in the summer. There is so much moisture in the air thanks to the humidity that we can practically breath underwater. Poke fun at us now, southerners…but beware, the North remembers.

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