There are days when I do nothing.
I sit outside under piles of quilts and listen to the never ceasing traffic along the roads nearby. I browse the Internet. I drink tea. I wonder what I’m doing with my life and why I’m not doing it right now and I feel guilty and yet, I still sit there doing nothing.
I like to imagine me gathering energy, because sometimes on those days where I do nothing I feel like there is something ‘off’ inside me and I wait for it to feel ‘right’ again. I can’t even put into words exactly what that feeling is, it’s like a piece of tin roof flapping in the wind. Inside the house everything seems normal but you know from the sound that something isn’t nailed down properly where you can’t see. I gather energy and I wait. Sometimes I write but when the roofing is flapping everything comes out strange and disjointed and I might start a half a dozen different pieces and discard them all.
Those were the times when I use to shoot that I would go outside and centre myself by looking through the lens. Those are the times when I use to spin that I would get lost in the drafting and twist of the fibre as it left my hands, in the click of the wheel. But I don’t do those things anymore. Now I gather energy and I wait.
I don’t know what I am waiting for. I know I’m waiting for something because it’s the same feeling you have when you’ve gotten ready to go out too early and you’re sitting in your living room with your handbag by your side and your shoes on just waiting for the time you can leave the house. It’s the same feeling when you’re in the doctor’s surgery trying not to breathe in everyone’s germs while you wait for your name to be called.
And I’ve been waiting for a long time.
And sometimes I’m not sure if I am supposed to keep waiting. If the ‘thing’ I’m waiting on just needs a little longer. I’m not sure if I am supposed to be getting up and finding my own way but I don’t know yet what direction I’m suppose to take so I’m paralysed without an address. Like someone handed me a slip of paper that just says, “You should go now.” And I’m like, “Yes, but where? Can you give me some more information? Even just ‘go East’. I’ll leave right now if you can just wave your hand in the general direction and we can get to the the specifics later.” But no one answers me. Just that same slip of paper.
So I wait.
And I gather energy in case it’s a long walk.